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I realize this article is going to make me the ultimate terrorist of fantasy, but I refuse to let any more of you make an ass out of yourselves at strip clubs.

Several articles have undertaken the task of explaining why guys feel drawn to the strip club experience: naked chicks, unknown naked chicks, unknown naked chicks who will show interest in you no matter who you are or what you look like, the ability to pick and choose from a variety of unknown naked chicks who will show interest in you no matter what you look like. And so on. That’s great.

But let’s talk about the strippers. Whether they like to be naked or not, whether they enjoy turning you on, there’s one thing they all have in common: they’re working. Whether you think taking off clothes for money is a great choice of career is really beside the point (is it a possibility for you to make 500 dollars for an hour at your job without a law degree? Just asking). These women are providing fantasy, yes, but that is a job. And as a patron of their services, you need to treat them like you would anyone else who was providing a service to you.

After a few nights running around the backrooms of some of Las Vegas’ most happening strip joints, here are a few tips I picked up from the girls:

Rule #1:

If you just want to drink and chill your friends, don’t go to a strip club. Not the same without the TNA running around? Do yourself and your buddies a favor and grab a Girls Gone Wild DVD when you’re out picking up the beer.

Rule #2:

Don’t ever ask a stripper why you should pay for a lap dance when you can get pussy for free at a club. It may be true, but if that’s the reason you’re passing on the lap dance, then shouldn’t you be at a club? If you’re just there for the browse, make it worth their while. It’s proper business etiquette.

Rule #3:

Don’t try to get a dancer to do anything for free. Come on, now. Most places charge between 20 and 40 dollars for a lap dance. Surely you didn’t just show up with enough money for booze… or did you? Should have stuck with YouPorn.

Rule #4:

Don’t sit at the stage and tip nothing to the women who are dancing. It doesn’t have to be as much as you would pay for a lap dance. Between 5 and 20 dollars should do fine.

Rule #5:

Don’t ask a dancer what her real name is or where she lives. Dude, come on, that’s creepy. She’s creating a fantasy and she’s well aware of the risks involved in doing that for a living. It can be dangerous. A lot of dancers don’t even share their personal information with each other, so get the idea that she would share that with you out of your head. She may, however, give you her number. A lot of dancers have separate phones for their clients. This is a way for them to engage clients and build their regulars. Getting her digits does not mean she wants to go out on a date. It means she thinks you are a client. Accept her as a fantasy. Fantasy is what she’s there to provide.

What can you do to make the best out of your strip club experience?

Tip #1:

Know that she is providing a service and expects payment. Hey, I know it’d be great to walk into a room full of naked women who just want to drape themselves all over you because you’re awesome, but not everyone lives in a rap video.

Tip #2:

Ask permission before you do anything. Every strip club has house rules and a dancer could get in trouble for stepping over the line. She may be better able to indulge you (at a fee, obviously) in the VIP room, which can run anywhere between 40 to 100 dollars for 15 minutes. Ask her. Haggling is low-brow, but if you explain how much money you have to spend and let her know that she’s worth that and more, chances are she will help you find a solution that works out for the both of you.

Tip #3:

Tip her. Yeah, OK, so you’re already paying for the dance or the VIP room. She still expects a tip. Dancers are usually not paid an hourly wage and on top of that, a lot of places charge “rent,” a fee for working there per night. It can be pretty steep. Tips go a long way. The standard ranges between 15 and 25 per cent, but any dancer will appreciate a modest tip over nothing.

Tip #4:

Respect her when she asks you for money. She’s working. Repeat after me: she’s working. Don’t ask her why she’s chosen this job. Don’t feel sorry for her. Enjoy her company and attentions. That’s what you’re there to do and what she’s there to facilitate. Let her. And pay her accordingly.

Tip #5:

Treat her with the same respect you are expected to treat other women in your life. Be a gentleman. Behuman and realize that she is human, too.

Follow the rules and mind the tips and you’ll be well on your way to being the guy that strippers trip over to come sit with. As long as you remember that no matter how much they like you, that club is their workspace and pay and tip them appropriately, you’ll have a fantastic relationship.

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