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In the adult industry, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the publicists, who put out press release after press release, and that guy at PornNewz, who makes fun of those Press Releases. These are their stories.

DUN DUN

-California Exotic Novelties has released the “Couture Collection” which are like these massagers made from really nice silicone and built for power and performance.  Unlike other massagers that are built for weakness and ineffectiveness right?  Anyways, I was upset to find out that these massagers have actually NOTHING to do with UFC legend Randy “The Natural” Couture.  I was thinking you could easily make a masturbator sleeve outta that guy’s cauliflower ears.

-Lover’s Choice has announced that the Rapture no. 5 anal probe is the Ophoria featured Toy of the Month.  I can’t believe that the no. 5 anal probe won this…I was pulling for anal probe no. 8, no. 5 seems so manufactured and fakey.  I’m so bummed…I had decorated the RV with “Congratulations no. 8 anal probe” banners and got balloons and everything.  I don’t want to see the look on anal probe no. 8’s face when it comes home defeated and dejected.

-New Sensations is parodying “The Office” with “The Office XXX”.  Am I the only one that thinks the US-version of “The Office” is incredibly lame compared to the UK version?  I watched like one episode of the US version and was bored with it.  Steve Carrell…you funny….but you are no Ricky Gervais.

-Jesse Jane is going on a stripping marathon this weekend all over the virtual wasteland that is known as “Southern California”.  Speaking of which, I had a weird dream the other day starring Jesse Jane, and it just shows how warped my mind is.  I had a dream about writing a PR Roundup entry about Jesse and trying to work in a joke where she picks a lock with her arm.  I’m having dreams about writing material for the PR Roundup, WTF is wrong with me?

-Mercenary Pictures is launching a consumer-friendly website.  Hey…not a moment too soon there Lex!  Welcome to teh internets!  But seriously folks, Lex has some great plans for the site making it all interactive and stuff.  Lex vows to answer questions sent in by fans, so who wants to be the first one to ask him how he feels when he finds his stolen content on websites that are part of the AVNAds network?  Anyone?  Ok, I’ll do it!

-Treasure Island Media is releasing “Bruthaload 4″, which rounds out the “Bruthaload” quadrilogy.  This is not to be confused with the new Jules Jordan Video release “Brother Load” which comes out soon and just happens to have a much more “whiter” sounding name.  Will we ever run out of names for our pornos?  Will we have to resort to gramatically cleaning up previous titles to come up with new names.  Will “My Daughter Is Fucking Blackzilla” one day be “My daughter is Fucking a person who goes by the name of Blackzilla”?  Will “Women Seeking Women” become “Women who are looking for other women to engage in cunnilingus with”?  Just doesn’t have the same snappy sound to it.  “Ass Blastin’” just sounds so much more free-spirited than “Ass Blasting”.  Ass Blasting sounds like a job, like clearing away rubble to make room for a new chocolate highway, while Ass Blastin’ sounds like some shit you’d do with your buddies over a six pack of beer down at the lake.  “Can’t fix the porch this weekend honey…I’m goin Ass Blastin’ with Jimmy  and Ronny Dale!”

-Evil Angel is joining up with xPeeps for a big ol neato ’slap ourselves on the back’ adult industry party.  Boy, I gotta say, these parties sure do seem like money well spent.  I mean…think of the things you could do with that money….and then forget all those things…..ok now think about them again…..and then forget them and just focus on having a party.  Buying booze for porno girls and their suitcase pimps, paying a DJ to play hippity hop music…hey we’re the adult industry, and we’re not about to let rampant piracy, plumetting sales, and the prospect of extinction get in the way of us having a good freaking time!

-Austyn Moore is back in the adult industry.  I know right…you’re asking me…who’s Austyn Moore?  Well she was a girl who did 12 movies during 2005-2006.  So I guess the money has run out or her sugar daddy has run off and now she’s baaaaack.  I love this trend of porno girls all of a sudden making comebacks.  They’re like the Mickey Rourke character in “The Wrestler” who just can’t hang ‘em up and gotta always comeback for that one last hurrah.  Come on back Racquel Darrian, Heather Hunter and Kobe Tai…oh what’s that…you do double anal now?…wow….that is so surprising….oh what’s that you say…you’ll do a bukkake even….then we’ll just have to book that right away….oh but you won’t do Spyder Jonez….that’s ok, a girl’s gotta have her limits.

-Speaking of which, Iron Cross and Spyder Jonez are releasing “Gazongas” which is a big tit movie.  The term gazongas is what your dorky uncle calls boobies and hasn’t been widely used since the late 90s.  Jonez sez that casting this movie wasn’t easy.  Yeah, I’m sure it’s tough finding girls with fake tits in the porn industry these days Spyder, I don’t envy your task sir.  Good luck with volume 2…I mean…how the hell are you going to find FIVE more girls with fake tits…that’s impossible.

-I had a fan request that we mention the alt girls of God’s Girls.  Here’s my take on these alt-girls.  Sure, they are smokin’ hot and they don’t fit the mold of typical porn star, which is a good thing.  But my problem is that these girls frighten me.  These girls are no doubt kinky freaks in the sack, provided you get there before one of them slices your throat or squashes your testicles.  Porno girls can be easily tricked and manipulated, but these alt-girls…they’re like reading Sun Tzu’s “Art of War” while listening to Joy Division and downing anti-anxiety pills.  That’s more like the beginning of an Eli Roth movie than a porno.  If these God’s Girls are doing god’s work, that work apparently is to give you a raging boner…and then break it off in your own ass.  But they are hot…no doubt about that.

-Quite possibly the greatest title in the history of porno will be coming out at the end of March with the release of Black Market’s “Iz You My Baby Daddy?”  This poignant look at children being born out of wedlock is sure to incite a national debate unlike anything Maury Povich has ever been able to accomplish.  While this may be great, it’s going to be nothing compared to my upcoming reality series “Are You My Dad?”.  In this series I’ll track down the kids born 18 yrs after their mothers participated in internal cumshot gangbang movies, let them confront the male performers from those movies and try to guess which one is their real father.  “I’m sorry Ricky…Dick Nasty….is yo daddy!”

Well, that’s it for today.  There are a few things you do need to know, so let’s run down the checklist:

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