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We walk right through the door.
Walk right through the door.
Hey, all right! If I get by, it’s mine,
Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine…
-Jane’s Addiction - “Been Caught Stealin”

“This Week In Shoplifting” chronicles those that resorted to theft and didn’t get away with it.  If you work at a retail store, shoplifting is a constant source of frustration for you.  So take some comfort in reading about those that got busted trying to get a ‘5 finger discount’.  Got a crazy shoplifting story to share?  Send it in!

-Cha Ching!  Lady tries to buy stuff at Target with a legit 1974 $100 bill.  Winds up being questioned by Secret Service…sues Target…gets $3 million judgement.  Story HERE

-Chick gets busted trying to steal $1000 in clothes from “Bob’s”.  I hope she was buying a ski mask to cover that fugly face of hers.  Story HERE

-Dude gets outta prison for shoplifting cuz he needs heart surgery.  He stole a $69 camera from Radio Shack and got busted.  Wonder if he uploaded pics of the cops to his photobucket?  Story HERE

-Guy steals a buncha steaks from Food Lion…gets chased by cops…makes it to some lady’s porch…then fucking dies from cocaine toxicity.  Yeah you gotta be pretty fucked up to steal steaks and make the cops chase ya for it.  I hope they buried the steaks with him and his headstone says “Here Lies Ronny Lee Hayes…and a couple of nice porterhouse steaks” Story HERE

-Lady steals beer from a store…cops come to her trailer….she has an infant baby and a nice stash of drug paraphenelia.  Pre-nom for “Mom of the Year” tries to jump out the back of her trailer and flee.  Let’s just hope she wasn’t stealing the beer for the baby.  Story HERE

-When you have to steal from Dollar General…I think it’s safe to say you ain’t doin so well financially.  Story HERE

-Dude tries to steal $4k necklace from Kay Jewelers…gets chased, and eventually is fatally shot by officers.  But at least this guy had some high standards.  I mean if you’re going to get yer cap peeled by the popo…might as well be going for some high value item.  Story HERE

-Oh this one is great.  2 guys steal headlights from an Advanced Auto Parts store.  They came into the store, asked the clerk for headlights for a 1999 Mercury Mountaineer and a 2003 Chevy Impala.  Once they had the headlights, they bolted from the store and into their getaway car.  The getaway car….a 1999 Mercury Mountaineer.  Police say that they have a pretty good idea what kind of car the other guy drives, should make narrowing the suspects down pretty easy.  Story HERE

-Cop busted for stealing wine eventually kills himself.  No word on if it was red or not…the wine I mean…the blood…yeah that was all red.  Story HERE

-Chick and her boyfriend steal from store then nearly beat security officer to death with crowbar.  Oh and she also ripped off some elderly dude with dementia for a couple grand.  The store they stole from was called the “Meijer”, which, if memory serves me correctly, is Spanish for “dumb bitch soon to toss salad in prison” or something like that.  Story HERE

-Dude tries to steal an electric drill and gets busted.  Turns out he has 34….thirty-fuckin-four previous charges of shoplifting on his record.  His attorney says he suffers from “difficulties in relation to the taking of items.”  Nice euphemism for a klepto.  “Yes your honor, I am not a murderer…I just have difficulties in allowing certain other people to continue living.”  Story HERE

-Gamer tries stealing 6 video games, ends up punching cop and now HE’LL be the playstation for his fellow inmates in jail.  “Let me show you MY analog stick…bitch!”  Story HERE

-2 good ones on this next link.  One dude was caught trying to steal $20 worth of Crest Whitening Strips.  Then another dude was caught trying to steal $54 worth of razors, so I’d say there’s a good chance he’s a werewolf.  But at least these 2 guys had good personal hygiene desires.  Story HERE

-Guy steals cheap pair of sunglasses….while have 25 bags of cocaine in his pocket.  Hey shoplifters…just a tip here…if you’re gonna shoplift…..don’t do it with a buncha drugs on ya.  Story HERE

-The husband and wife team of Jamie and Jennifer Pacheco were both busted for stealing and shit while grocery shopping.  What a terrible example they are setting for their kids Janelle, Josh, Julie, Jackie and Jimmy.  Story HERE

-Ohio dude could be looking at 40 years for UPC scam.  He was printing fake UPC codes from his home PC, then had his minions go put them on items at stores, buy them for a fraction of their actual price, then they sold them on eBay.  The only thing that would have made this story better would be if the crooks fell for the “we need to update your paypal account” scam and lost it all.  Story HERE

-This next dumbass is guilty of 3 crimes.  The first was that he was trying to steal from Linens N Things.  What kind of man goes to Linens N Things in the first place?  Secondly…his getaway “car” was a bicycle, which he attempted to outrun police on.  And lastly, he was tasered in the dome after attempting to fist fight a cop with a taser pointed at him.  Let’s hope the taser stimulated that part of the brain that tells you what a dumb fucking plan this was.  Story HERE

-Guy busted when he entered a store with a baby stroller that contained…..a bag used to evade shoplifting alarms.  Couldn’t this guy at least put a baby in the stroller, or a lifelike doll….something?  Here’s a tip to would-be shoplifters…a stroller with no baby in it looks suspicious, I’m just sayin…  Story HERE

-Man starts out stealing baby formula…then graduates to robbing banks.  It’s sad what a gateway drug baby formula has become.  I blame the babies…if they didn’t consume so much formula, this wouldn’t be a problem.  Story HERE

-College campus police officer caught sugar-handed stealing cakes from coffee shop…on 17 different occasions.  At least he wasn’t stealing donuts.  Story HERE

-Lady pleads not-guilty to shoplifting spree.  Her previous criminal record might work against her since she has 3 prior felony convictions, 35 misdemeanor convictions, more than 30 addresses, several aliases and nine Social Security numbers.  But hey…WHO DOESN’T?  Story HERE

-Dude in Eugene, OR tries to steal from Macy’s and then when he’s confronted by police he…..wait for it…..wait for it…..he jumps into the freaking Willamette River to escape.  His whereabouts are unknown.  He’s gotta be crazy to jump into a river in Oregon in November…that shit has gotta be freezing!  Story HERE

-Guy in Utah tries to steal some clothes and then gets caught.  Yet somehow he thought it would be a good idea to punch the employee in the face, breaking his nose, and then punch a bystander in the neck.  IN THE NECK!  What a dick!  Man, those Utes are a violent bunch.  Story HERE

-Guy gets busted stealing Absolut Vodka.  I feel it’s pretty dumb to steal booze…but at least he was stealing some decent booze.  It’s not like he got busted for stealing some MD 20/20.  Story HERE

-Guy busted for trying to steal a bottle of MD 20/20 from a convenience store.  Story HERE

-2 cops work with an employee at Wal Mart to steal truckloads of shit and sell it on eBay.  I knew Wal Mart supported the local police department, but I think this is a bit over the line.  Story HERE

-Shoplifter sought after stealing vacuum cleaner from Target.  At least this guy knows a good vacuum cleaner when he sees it.  Dysons really are the best.  Story HERE

-Mall in Tampa Bay for just a week, and busts it’s first shoplifter.  At least this shows the mall that local teens are aware of the mall is now open.  Story HERE

That’s it for this week.  I know you store owners out there have dealt with some ridiculous instances of theft.  Send me your stories!


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