If you haven’t been reading the PR Roundup, that’s on you man…I can’t be responsible for your shortcomings. I’m not even going to give you links to all my past PR Roundups. You’re just going to have to nut up and use the search feature. There’s no handouts around here comrade! This is uhhhhhhmerica, so let’s get to drilling these press releases to extract the barrels of porn’s most abundant natural resource: Fluff.

-So Eh Vee In is getting into the “set top box” business. Just another way they are abandoning retail stores. Now there’s another thing you have to give to Eh Vee In to get that good placement in the charts and rack up those little awards come January. Hey retailers, how do you like to read the CEO of AVN saying things like:

“Digital distribution is the future of the movie industry and VUDU is the clear leader in creating a superior user experience,” said Roberts. “For the last 25 years, adult movie fans have looked to AVN to provide movie reviews and buying recommendations. Now, consumers will have instant access to this information and the corresponding movies through an easy to use interface on their televisions.”

Sound like they have given up on you retailers? Sure sounds like it to me. Are you still going to put that garbage “trade magazine” on your shelves? You still listen to their buying suggestions? You’re smarter than that aren’t you?

-Former Sin City sales guy Brett Reisner is starting his own consulting firm. Brett is a great guy but I doubt anyone could provide all the consulting this industry needs. On a related note, I hear that ChristianXXX will soon be consulting new porno girls on how to become drama queens, and not to be outdone Jenna Jameson will consult stars on how to obliterate your legacy in 50 words or less.

-X Play is hyping it’s next release Not Bewitched XXX. I don’t know where X Play keeps finding these T.V. shows to spoof. It’s as if they have a decade’s worth of shows to pull ideas from. Personally, I can’t wait for Not The Facts of Life XXX, My 2 Dads XXX (gay title), Hill Street Blues XXX, Roseanne XXX (BBW title), and Life Goes On XXX with Evan Stone as Corky.

-The adult industry will try again to put on a benefit for Henri Pachard. Industry veteran is dying from cancer and a bunch of egomaniacs can’t lay off the drama long enough to make one freaking movie. So we can’t put on a benefit, but during that same time period, we shot 200 other movies and held 2 award shows. Porn really takes care of it’s own…and by taking care of your own I mean anal bleaching.

-Tom Byron is releasing a blu-ray MILF movie featuring….ACTUAL MILFS! I saw a movie the other day called Teenage MILFS. I wondered who the customer was for Teenage Milfs. Are there a lot of people out there getting boners thinking about young girls getting knocked up? Yeah, nothing gets me hotter than a chick bringing a child into the world that she can’t afford to provide for. Oh yeah you sexy slut, rub the food stamps all over your body! Kudos to Tom Byron for casting legitimate middle aged women in a MILF movie. It’s a novel approach and I hope this gamble pays off for him!

-Matt Zane is doing something that you don’t care about. You know it’s something involving tattoos or piercings or some music band you’ve kinda heard of. Does Tommy Gunn know how many Press Releases Matt Zane is putting out? Maybe they’ll have to wrestle each other for PR Supremacy in that crappy Craig Valentine wrestling organization. If Matt Zane wins then Tommy has to lose the spikey hair and if Tommy wins then Matt has to lose the Crystal Gale mane…and take a bath.

-Holy shit the Leisure Time Press Release is legit. LT is trying to repair their image as a studio that rips off customers by ripping them off a little bit less. They claim to be cutting down the phone sex commercials to 3 per DVD. Who the fuck calls phone sex ads these days? Isn’t it 2008? You don’t need to call phone sex ads anymore…you do like everyone else and go onto a chat room and have cybersex with other guys pretending to be 21yr old girls! The LT Press Release says that they are rolling out 50 new titles. I’m guessing that’s just for today. How comfortable do you feel in stocking a company that says they are working on the defective problem while releasing 50 titles? Leisure Time also claims that now a full 33% of the girls shown on the box will actually appear in the movie. See, that association with Sunshine is paying off already. Thank goodness we have an upstanding company like Sunshine to right the ship. Here’s all you need to know about Sunshine - while talking to a retail store owner recently he told me: “I don’t carry that Sunshine crap, I’d rather burn my store down than to put 1 single Sunshine movie on the shelf” Nuff said.

-I read an interview with some porn tart that was just so “porn girl” typical that I had to share:

“This other guy was fun. And he had a really cool car. He took me to a shooting range. But I found out he was a big pot dealer. And then he showed me videos of this house. [Of weed growing].

“I got scared, and I didn’t go back out with him. I got nervous. Like he could go to jail. But maybe if you’re a girlfriend, you wouldn’t go to jail?”

I thought we had a law that said these girls aren’t supposed to portray a 12 yr old. I guess you can legally portray an adult with the mentality of a 12 yr old though. Want more priceless gems from this girl? I leave you with this one straight from the “How to get bigger tips” handbook that every Hooters waitress and stripper considers required reading: “Like I’m horny way too much.” Sure you are sugartits.

Well that’s all for today’s PR Roundup. Not as silly today as usual, but I think the “news” about Eh Vee In just bailing out on retailers put me in a grumpy mood. But hey…ya don’t need them anyways, because you have PornNewz.com and the PR Roundup to get ya through the daily onslaught of fake news. Oh and man are we are overdue for a Tera Patrick Press Release, let’s hope we get one tomorrow. SPYDER JONEZ!!!….SPYDER WHERE ARE YOU…I NEED…I NEED!


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